leaving vs. staying

So this post is what some would call unrefined, and what others would say has some "bad words" in it. Consider this your warning. I don't know if I've stated this before, but: I read somewhere that a blog shouldn't be like a journal. I think that's really dumb. I think a main reason to read is to learn. And that applies to blogs. And not just about academic-type things, but about real things. And this is a very real post with some very real resolutions. It also has a lot of sentences that start with conjunctions. I apologize for that.


It's been a rough day weekend, and I'm super emotional and upset, and it's unsettling.

The sadness kept getting to me all day, and it's left me moody and angry and stressed and tired due to all of these things.

My dad hurt his wrist and he's in a lot of pain. You see, I adore my dad and think he's basically the bestest ever, although I don't think he knows that. And I got really upset in church because I could see that he was hurting, and it made me want to punch something. Or someone.

No one specific.

Which gets really specific. Because that means I'm really angry at God, and that I want to punch him. And that's not cool. God isn't a punching bag. God knows best. Always.

But in my opinion, it's not fair that my dad is in so much pain. But it's not really a fairness thing. Because God isn't fair--that's a human thing. God is just. And he knows what my dad needs. And I guess my dad needs to hurt.

And I was dealing with a lot of little kids today, and now I'm wondering if I even want to have my own. It just looks really stressful and overwhelming, and I swear half of the moms I know or see at work ruin themselves for their kids. I don't want to do that.

Also. This election. It's so dumb. We've narrowed it down to two people for our next president. One is a traitor, the other is an asshole. How did the USA come to this? I don't understand how humans could be this gullible or blind or lazy or plain stupid or whatever it is that we've come to this.

You know what else? I've been witnessing a lot of leaving lately. And I've done some, and it hurts like crazy, and I really just want to fix everything, but I also want to do some more. I just want to leave, leave, leave, and not look back. But I happen to be incapable of not looking back. I also think I shouldn't leave. So I'm staying. At least until I can get my head on straight.

Maybe that all reminded me of the sin and darkness in this world. Maybe it was the weather. It's been pretty rainy here in northwestern Pennsylvania. Regardless, I have all of this weight on my shoulders or my head or my heart or my eyelids and I just want to scream and cry and sleep.

But I don't think sleep is going to help this kind of tiredness. And I don't think screaming is going to be a good enough release.

But I'm going to give this week my best shot. It's going to be a hard one. I don't know how, and I don't know why it's happening now. But it is. And I can deal with it because I have God on my side. I might cry. I might break down. But it's going to be okay. Because he knows best, and if I need to break down, well, then I need to. And if an idiot is going to become president, so be it. And if my dad is going to be in pain for longer, bring it on. And if I have to fight every part of my selfish being and stay, then okay. I can handle it.

Because he loves me. And he knows best. And I trust him.

And even if everything is falling apart, it'll fall back together soon enough.

Let's do something this autumn.

Autumn is for curling up with blankets and tea and good books. Autumn is for staying inside and cuddling. It's for writing novels in November and watching Netflix when it's cold.

Or . . . This year, autumn could be about doing things. I know a lot of those who follow my blog would much rather introvert and stay home. But . . . Autumn has some fun things to offer.

-Try doing a cornmaze. There are a few in my area every year. Get some friends together and then be prepared to get lost!

-Head out to a fall festival for the day. You might have to travel some for this one. We Pennsylvanians have the Applefest every year.

-Go adventuring and photograph your experience. Hiking, biking—whatever floats your boat!

-Find a really good place to watch sunrises, and get up to watch one. Bundle up! It'll be chilly.

-Check out the local theater in your town. You might be surprised by how many shows there are.

-Explore local museums. Whether they're art or history, see what hidden treasures your town has.

-Check out Eventbrite for more local ideas. Who knows what you'll find? It could be anything from a Zombie walk to a handmade cosmetics party.

Don't spend all of your autumn huddled up inside. Maybe, just maybe, instead of spending more money on books (which is totally, 100% okay), try spending it on something else. Something that's worthy to be written about.

How about, for once, you get to be the main character.

Learned [fear + humility]

So I had my appendix out.

It was a strange thing, and it left me with lots of time to think. Mostly about why it was strange.

See, I'm the girl who's afraid of everything. The one who barely has the courage to climb ladders (let alone trees), to ride a bike downhill, or go to dentist appointments alone.

I avoid getting hurt like a twelve-year-old girl avoids her crush. I want the fun, but I fear the pain. And, for me, fear almost always wins.

But this time I didn't have a choice. The pain came, along with the emergency room and surgery the next morning. And now I'm recovering well and with plenty of stray thoughts.

One of them is that fear can't keep you safe. My appendicitis just came. I couldn't even try to avoid it. I do everything possible to keep myself from getting hurt—from ending up in the hospital. And yet, when God thinks it's time, it's time. So two Saturdays ago, I made my way to the emergency room with my dad.

And you know what? I made it out of there alive. Even better, I learned a few things. And I grew into a stronger and more well-rounded person.

Another thing that I learned was humility. For the first two weeks after my surgery (so up until yesterday), I couldn't lift anything over ten pounds. When I went back to work, I told myself not to get frustrated. I knew it would be difficult for me to step back and not do too much. And that required me asking for help.

My coworkers were very understanding (because I have the best coworkers ever), and I didn't get too frustrated. But I didn't expect how hard it would be to ask for help. To have to say, "I can't do this. Can you do it for me?"

It wasn't fun, having to admit that I couldn't do things. But it was a great way for me to stop. To remember that I'm not perfect. To humble myself. We're all human, and it can be all too easy to get caught up in ourselves.

We think we can do everything. We don't need help.

But oh, we do. And that's something I'm beginning to learn.

So. Appedicitis taught me many things, but these are the most important to me. Fear can't keep you safe, and pride gets you nowhere good. But God can take you anywhere he wants.

So there are some stray thoughts for you, straight out of a jumbled brain. I'm sorry if this post isn't very well-put together. But, then again, when do my thoughts ever make sense?

I hope you all have a good week. <3

Still.

Sometimes I stand in awe of how hideously selfish I am.

But I'm trying to remember (and I think you should too) that God still thinks I'm beautiful. God still loves me. When something inside of me snaps, and all I can think of is me, me, me—he. still. loves. me.

That is all.

July 2016 Desktop Calendar

Happy July, everyone!

Enjoy the sun and spend too much time with your friends. Because, honestly, why not?
Feel free to download, print, or do whatever you'd like with the calendar. But it is mine, so please don't claim it as your own. Thank you!

you're like light shining through a forest

"you're like light shining through a forest," he said. "not always there, not always thriving." there was an awe--meant only for her--painted onto his features. "but when it is there, it drips on everything near. it's a picturesque fountain of gentleness and light."

//

so maybe i want to be that girl. the one who's always striving yet still has her twilights. and while those are often, there's always more light to come: shining bright into the dark forest, gracing dewy leaves. and just as we're heading into summer, this girl is too. one where her light shines longer and brighter every day.

some assumptions

Let's take the past year and this post and sit back and think for a minute. I've had a few talks with my pastor and my best(est) friend and I've come to realize that I've believed quite a few things that are just plain wrong (even though they sound right).

Like love. As I stated in "on putting myself back together," I said that the way to contentment is through loving people. But that's not true. The first step toward contentment is to accept God's love for you—no matter what you've done. Trust him. Have faith. Then you're on your way.

Or repentance. That it's just a state of mind. Trust me, it's not. I was confessing to my friend the guilt and the weight I felt from my sin. She asked a simple question: "Did you repent?" The answer was a surprising "no."

Because somehow I got it in my head that I didn't need to repent. I just needed to believe I was a sinner and God forgave me. Deep inside of me I knew that was wrong, but it was more a subconscious thought. So I went on and on, not repenting my sins.

And it took its toll, leaving me sick inside. I was lost, and it took me months to diagnose my illness.

God didn't come down here and die for us just so we could do whatever we want without thought. So try to be a better person. And when you fail? Repent. Actively.

I'm unraveling all of these lies from the past. Slowly, but as fast as I can understand. I've become a healthier person. A better person. A happier person, even. And I'm proud of that.

So remember these things, loves. Remember that God loves you, and that he's worthy of your trust.

Have faith.

Then your adventure will begin.

Poetry Kind of Night

Tonight is a poetry kind of night.
Not the rhyming kind or the balanced kind—
the free kind.

Tonight is a lonely kind of night.
The kind that can only be healed
by writing it out and letting God
fill the holes in my poor, beating heart.

Tonight is a sharp kind of night,
shattered windows and emotions as high as
the mama bird right outside my bedroom can fly.

Tonight is a frantic kind of night.
Like me pulling on my nightshirt backwards
because I was lost in the excitement of
words, words, words—
Like telling my mom, “Hold on, I need to write this poem.”
And once she saw the desperate look in my eyes and heard the strain in my voice,
she left in a rush.

Maybe tonight is the night. The one that has etched in purple pen,

“Hey. I think I’m back.”

June 2016 Desktop Calendar

Feel free to download, print, or do whatever you'd like with the calendar. But it is mine, so please don't claim it as your own. Thank you!

May 2016 Desktop Calendar

Right-click and press "Save Image As" to download.

Aaaaand just like that, May is tomorrow. Goodbye, April. Hello to more springtime weather and summer being even closer.

Feel free to download, print, or do whatever you'd like with the calendar. But it is mine, so please don't claim it as your own. Thank you!

Also—The Runaway House is almost done! So if you're looking for something (free) to read, head on over to Wattpad and check out my story!

Rebekah

an excerpt [15]

This excerpt is from my ever-lovely book The Runaway House. You can read it for free on Wattpad right here.
And for those who devour storyboards, here's one for you:

on putting myself back together

the past few months have been confusing for me. my heart has been jumping from one place to the next, and my head can't think fast enough to stop it. my body—well, let's just say all of this confusion has taken a toll on it.

my dad asked me a while ago if i was content. and i said yes, because maybe i was. maybe i still might be.

but it's all one big battle for positivity with me. i told my best friend i'm not like any of the disney princesses because i'm too pessimistic. we thusly decided i'm the beast and laughed it off (because it's hilariously and sadly true).

but even the beast learned to love someone. he put himself back together, piece by piece. no curse could stop him—not with his loyal servants (and belle) beside him.

but everything is connected, i'm saying to myself right now. and maybe i've figured it out by now that i'm not actually content. i know i'm not 100% there yet.

i'm the beast. i'd claw myself to death if i had the courage. i live under a curse, bitterly taking it out on the ones who choose to put up with me. i lash out in the worst ways possible.

but everything is connected, and there's an email buried in my inbox telling me to love, love, love. loving people is how you end up content. so, to the beast that i am, i give my love. because before i can love others, i need to love myself.

and i'm watching the grass tickle the breeze on a beginning-of-spring day, deciding to love myself.

because i'm very rough with this person i'm inside of—with her heart and her body.

but i'm going to take care of her now. i'm going to put her back together and love her the way she's meant to be loved.

 and to be honest, i'm not really sure how to do that. i know it includes beautiful things and encouraging people and inspiring songs and long talks with the guy who thought the world needed a me.

but besides that—i'm lost.

so here's to my greatest adventure.

April 2016 Desktop Calendar

Right-click and press "Save Image As" to download.

“She turned to the sunlight

    And shook her yellow head,

And whispered to her neighbor:

    "Winter is dead.” 

― A.A. Milne

Happy April! March was a whirlwind, wasn't it? But we've got a new month ahead of us, unmarked and ready to be lived. It has many secrets waiting to be uncovered—and I'm excited to discover everything that's in store.

Here's to a crazy-amazing April.

Rebekah
p.s. feel free to download, print, or whatever you'd like with the calendar. but it is mine, so please don't claim it as your own. thank you!

colors of the evening

March 2016 Desktop Calendar

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“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” 

― Robert Frost

. . . And maybe that's what March is for. Hopefully we've gotten through the worst of winter, the worst of the snow and the ice and the cold that reaches to our bones. It's time to thaw out.

Update // The Runaway House

Part Five of The Runaway House is up! (And if you haven't checked back since my last post, there's a Prologue waiting for you, along with four other chapters.)

Excerpt from Part Five: "This is Your Home Now"

   “Stick close to me for the next few days,” Travis says. “I can show you everything—and who to stay away from. Some of the kids aren’t exactly trustworthy.”

   “Why should I trust you?” I hate the involuntary wince he gives, especially since he’s been nothing but kind to me.

   “Who else do you have?” But he doesn’t spit it out harshly. His words are coated with patience, his smile sad. “I want to help you, Lee. I don’t know your story, and maybe you don’t have to trust me now. But give me a few days and let me show you the ropes of this life. Feel free to keep your emotional distance. But someone’s gotta help you.”

To the Artist not Attending College

so this is more of a letter to a dear friend of mine than it is anything else. we're both artists. we're both taking the road that quite a few of our friends aren't: the one that doesn't involve college. but this is also a letter to you. you aren't alone in this. you aren't the only artist not attending college. so here's what i've learned, and what i want to let my bestest friend ever—and you—know.

Dear Katie (or you),

Let me tell you right now that this is the way I view you: with great respect. To brave this world, our culture, with your talents as your only credibility is a scary thing.

Yet here you are, your feet planted firmly in God's promises. Your heart is set on taking the beauty you make and turning it right around toward him. Without a degree.

introducing: The Runaway House

I'm honestly not sure if I have any of my original followers from 2013 still with us, but if there are—remember The Runaway House? It was a little story I published on Figment before I switched over to the wondrous Wattpad. Take a girl desperate to stay alive, and then place her in the loving arms of tight-knit family. That's basically what this story is.

When Lee witnesses a murder, her only chance at survival is running. Somewhere along the way she meets a man who takes her to The Runaway House, a safe place for fugitives and runaways. There she begins to find peace, courage, love, and a real family.

I've rewritten it and added some spice, and I'm in the process of finishing it. I have the first chapter posted, and I'm planning on posting the second chapter either tonight or tomorrow morning [EDIT: I added a prologue. Check that out right here]. Go ahead and read it and tell me what you think! I'm dying for some opinions (positive or negative).

Here's a little excerpt to help you along:

n i n e t e e n

February fourth, 2016

Hey hey hey tomorrow is my birthday.

I've got a lot of mixed emotions in this heart of mine, from being ecstatic to being apathetic and lurking-in-the-corner-esque. Typical me, right? Happy and sad all at once.

Because sometimes we humans just don't feel worthy of existence, you know? And today is one of those times for me. Maybe I'm just not worthy of being nineteen. Maybe I need to be eighteen for a little bit longer. Maybe I want to be eighteen for a bit longer.

I'm not feeling this whole "move forward, always make progress, keep running toward your goals" thing right now. Everything is kind of blah and grey and maybe that's because it's dark outside and the night always gives me the blues. I guarantee tomorrow I'll be happy and ready to flap my little wings and soar.

February 2016 Desktop Calendar

Right click and press "Save Image As" to download.

"Standing on the fringes of life . . . offers a unique perspective. But there comes a time to see what it looks like from the dance floor." 

— Stephen Chbosky

February, February, February. It holds many things. My birthday. Valentine's day. More snow. A new calendar I've made for you all (feel free to download it and use it as a background! Print it out, even). March will soon be just around the corner (with another calendar!).

Seek First

Buy print + see other products here. 

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, 

and all these things will be added to you." 

Matthew 6:33 

Your eyes wander from their goal. Your heart aches to snatch up the things that will instantly gratify it. A tumultuous ocean, you spin in circles, searching for a way out of your desperation. You begin to ask yourself why you always want the things that'll just make your life harder in the long run.

Your desires aren't in line with the Lord's, and it's eating at your soul. You're ignoring his calls to you—to return from the darkness, to come back to his plan. His arms reach for you, but the tangible and easy life call to you, tempting you.

And just like that, you've fallen even farther from God than before. Yet he's still there, waiting for you to turn back to him. He knows that soon you'll run back. When you do, these words will be falling from his lips: "My child, follow the dreams I place on your heart, and our desires will become one."

Collection of the Beautiful | Winter Collection

P I C T U R E S

On Winter Health

It's winter. The cold is in our bones, and the dreaded dry skin is creeping up our arms. Not to mention, we're all feeling unhealthy and nasty from all those sweets we indulged in over the holidays. For the past month or two, I've been thinking about winter health—and health in general. What are some subtle ways to be healthy that aren't a pain? So, in other words, what are some easy ways to be healthy that even I'd go along with?

What if Noah had Given Up?

Faith.

That’s what has kept us alive. Think back to Genesis: to a humanity so corrupt God decided to wipe it all out. To Noah and his family and the beloved bedtime story of the ark. Think back to what you didn’t understand as a child: the why.

Why did God have Noah build the ark? Why, if God wanted to wipe out the human race because it was so corrupt, did people survive? Human nature didn’t change. It stayed selfish and evil. So why does it look like God made the same mistake twice?